Why did I make the album Loss?

Why did I make the album Loss?

Loss was not a planned album, it evolved out of necessity to cope with the Loss I was experiencing.

In the beginning of January 2023, my older brother Chris was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He was 46 at the time. Since moving to the maritimes in 2018, Chris and I had little contact (as opposed to seeing each other every two weeks for the previous eight years), so his diagnosis came out of nowhere for me. I was working on creating some new tracks at the time, which was helpful for me to express what I was feeling at the time. I went to Ontario to visit Chris and was home by the end of January. 

On February 8th, my step-father Glen died suddenly from a heart attack. I spent another two weeks in another city in Ontario taking care of my mother and helping her settle the estate. This was a good time for me because I was very focused on helping clear the house, getting paperwork done etc. I returned home February 24th.

On February 28th, my father-in-law Brian passed due to complications involving his heart. This situation was very complicated in a familial sense that caused a great deal of stress for everyone involved. 

I had been working on new music from time to time when I was home. When Brian passed, I created a song for Andrew about his father which focused in the Loss album. When I first started creating songs around the time Chris was diagnosed, I had planned to do songs for the stages of grief (some of which made the final cut). As the weeks progressed and the losses mounted, the playlist became more of a timeline of events rather than an account of one experience.

Loss is the first album that happened to me. Unlike other albums that I have done, there was no planning. The events were out of my control and not a reflection on my choices. This gives Loss its own unique flavour, a stripped down version of events.

Loss Timeline Explained

1. Denial

From the original set of tracks, Denial represents the time before I heard of Chris' diagnosis.

2. Christopher

This song was written days before I left to visit Chris. I wrote it to be as relatable as possible, in an attempt to convey the top level of what I was feeling. This was meant to be the anchor point in the original concept.

3. Depression

Chris was diagnosed as stage 4, thus there was little hope to cling to in even the best case treatment scenarios. This song examines the feeling between hearing Chris' diagnosis and leaving Ontario to return home to Moncton.

4. Enter the Twilight

When leaving Ontario, I knew that it would be unlikely that I would have the chance to see my brother again. Leaving Ontario began the clock on this conclusion.

5. The Robot Mourns His Creator

When Glen died and I had to return to Sault Ste. Marie, I had to sort through my own emotions while being the stabilizing influence for my mother. 

6. The Distraction of Tasks

I was so consumed with tasks with my mother, that I was able to find some reprieve from my own negative emotions.

7. Brian

Memorial song written for Brian for his family after his death.

8. Acceptance

Part of the original set of tracks, I started to gain acceptance for all three situations I had been struggling with.

9. Gratitude

At this point toward the end of March, I found some solace. It is unfortunate that most of us don't make peace with the past until after another's death.

10. Christopher (Reprise)

At the beginning of April, I received an update that Chris' treatments had been unsuccessful and that his health had declined significantly.

11. Nightshade

Chris was granted medical intervention at the end of his life that eased his passing significantly. 

12. Sorrow

As happy as I was for Chris to receive exactly what he wanted in the end. It broke my heart nonetheless. 

13. Returning to the Source

Everything that was still is, in one form or another. 

14. Some Song (Deconstructed Mix)

This song was creating during the Gettin' Piggy With It 2 mixes that I was working on as a distraction. It got cut from the album, and appears as sort of a bonus track here on Loss. 

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